Sick Jokes

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill. 

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 

4. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans. 

5. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the plegm back down your throat. 

6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. 

7. Make a list of things you have already done. 

8. Dance naked in front of pets. 

9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong. 

10. Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives. 

11. Go shopping.  Buy everything.  Sweat in them.  Return them the next day. 

12. Drive to work in reverse. 

13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. 

14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. 

15. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. 

16. Get a box of condoms.  Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. 

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like  a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at  a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. 

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. 

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. 

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. 

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. 

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." 

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. 

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 
 

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. 

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free 

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. 

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. 

A man went into a bar and told the bartender he wanted a drink.  The
bartender asked why he was so down, and the man replied that he was
$1,000,00 in dept and that he could not pay it, and that he was going to
kill himself so the man who he owed the money to won't have his thugz
come ofter me to torture him.

The bartender rubbed his scraggely beard and said, "I will give you the
$1,000,000, on the account that you do these three things for me first you have to do my shopping. Then, you have to pull out a lose tooth from my dog in the back of the bar, he is in great pain and I do not want him at a vet. Last, you have to give my mom some pleasure, she is old and is going to die soon and is still a virgin (?!), so that she will be happy when she dies"

The man easily went out and did the shopping while the baretender looked after his bar.

Then the man went in the back of the bar and the bartender heard some
howling.

Then the man came back and said "Where is the grandmother with the loose
tooth?"