Redneck Jokes

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. 

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. 

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. 

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. 

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. 

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours. 

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. 

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. 

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go." 

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. 

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. 

Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. 

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. 

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. 

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. 

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. 

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. 

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. 

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members 

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer. 

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." 

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" 

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question." 

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." 

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.  He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her....  how are you feeling? 

*   In the old days, farm widows had to be real careful with money, since most farmers didn't have much, if any, life insurance. 

    One savvy new widow, already well known for her "thrifty" ways was asked how she wanted the death notice to be printed.  Knowing they charged by the word, she said "Just print: 'Mr. Musgrove died'." 

    The funeral director, somewhat taken aback by the brevity, said that  he could get a few more words at the same price during a special the  newspaper was offering. 

    She thought a minute, then said, "Mr. Musgrove died.  Ford Pickup for sale."