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daffynitions DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student! It was a "no frills" Airline:
... They didn't sell tickets, they sold chances ... All the insurance machines in the terminal were sold out ... Before the flight, the passengers got together and elected a pilot ... If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back ... You could not board the plane unless you had the exact change ... Before we took off, the stewardess told us to fasten our Velcro ... The Captain asked all the passengers to chip in a little for gas ... When they pulled the steps away, the plane started rocking ... The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway ... You ask the Captain how often their planes crash. He sez, "Just once" ... No movie. Didn't need one. Your life kept flashing before your eyes ... You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane ... All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel * Did ya ever wonder about those people who claim to be suffering from inferiority complexes ? Maybe they don't have a complex at all -- maybe they really are inferior ! * What's the difference between the Pope and your Boss
?
* It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable;
* Did ya ever notice that some people just don't get the
point;
* My wife always starts the day with a smile --
* I have my doubts about exercise making ya lose weight.
* And speaking of exercise, if it really does kill germs,
* If it's really true that we're all here to help others,
* And another thing, why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English ? * If a man says something in the woods, and no woman is
there to hear,
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -- Jay Leno The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -- Jackie Gleason Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Red Buttons I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name". -- Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. -- Stephen Leacock Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. -- Ellen DeGeneres I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. -- Pearl Williams Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. -- William Coronel I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -- Johnny Carson It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. -- George Lindsey Never moon a werewolf. -- Mike Binder If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -- George Gobel
* Actually, Mother's Day and Father's Day are alike. Well, except of course, on Father's Day, you can buy a much cheaper gift.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I am reloading. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. * you're walking in the parking lot & cars won't pass ya on the right * in school you WERE the front row of the class picture * you ask someone to put sunscreen on ya & they get a paint roller * all the local "all you can eat" places have banned you permanently * you sit at a bar and don't have to drink to have a hangover * you lull yourself to sleep trying to get up out of a rocking chair * you're taller laying down than you are standing up * you donate clothes to charity & they use them as homeless shelters * the only thing in your size at a department store is the elevator * you're voted Miss/Mr North AND South Dakota * your bike is equipped with truck tires * at a seance you don't have a medium -- you have an extra extra large * your bathing suit is covered with blow-out patches * the only thing long and flowing you look good in is a river * your kids can wear your wrist watch as a belt
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles. Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name. Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993. 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- "Don't bother asking him, he's 404." Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running. Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato. Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake. Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny. Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired. Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.
If a dwarf convict escapes from prison, is he still considered 'at large'? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her that she has the right to remain silent? Why is the word abbreviation so long? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold? What is the speed of dark? Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's? How come you never hear about gruntled employees? What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? What's another word for synonym? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? How can there be self-help groups? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Things NOT to say to the nice police officer I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. Bad cop! No donut! You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's? I pay your salary! So, uh, you on the take, or what? Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum! Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you tried.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
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