Lawyer Jokes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses  given by insightful witnesses. 

  1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 

  2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 

  3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 

  4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 

  5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 

  6. "Did he kill you?" 

  7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 

  8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 

  9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 

  10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" 
        A: "Yes." 
        Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 

 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" 
       A: "Yes." 
       Q: "How many were boys?" 
       A: "None." 
       Q: "Were there any girls?" 

 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" 
       A: "Yes." 
       Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" 
      A: "I went to Europe, Sir." 
      Q: "And you took your new wife?" 

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" 
      A: "By death." 
      Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?" 

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" 
      A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." 
      Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 

 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition  notice which I sent to your attorney?" 
      A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 

 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" 
       A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" 
      A: "Oral." 

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" 
      A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." 
      Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" 
      A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 

 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" 
       A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 

 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" 
       A: "I have been since early childhood." 

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? 
A tick falls off of you when you die. 

Why does the law strictly prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? 
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. 

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? 
Stick his bill up his ass. 

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? 
Not enough sand. 

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? 
There are skid marks in front of the dog. 

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
A Doberman. 

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? 
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. 

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? 
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. 

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? 
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. 

Lawyer's creed: 
A man is innocent until proven broke. 

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? 
Lipstick. 

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? 
Skeet. 

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? 
Chelsea Clinton. 

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? 
It might be your bicycle. 

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. 

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. 
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. 
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. 
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" 
 

  The local United Way office realized that it had never received a  donation from the town's most successful lawyer. 

  The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him  to contribute.  "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

  The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did  your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" 

  Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." 

  "Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined  to a wheelchair?" 

  The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but  was cut off.  "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?!" 

  The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." 

  On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,"...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you ?!?" 
 

A truck driver made a habit of running down lawyers whenever he saw them walking down the road.  Whenever he saw a lawyer, he'd swerve over and WHAM!  Then he'd swerve back on the road and see the dead lawyer in his rear view mirror. 

One day he picked up a priest hitchhiking, and while they were driving along, the truck driver saw a lawyer.  He automatically swerved over to get the lawyer, but at the last second, he remembered he had a priest in the truck, so he swerved away and missed the lawyer.  But he heard a WHAM!! and he could see the dead lawyer in the mirror. 

He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father, I thought I missed him." 

The priest said, "Yeah, you did, but I got him with the door."