The Best From The Joke of the Day Archives

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury  I could expect to recieve from missing them. 

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding
discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 

6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of
    time given

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my     mind. 

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, 
    when I get around to it. 

10. I will never put off till tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 
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A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.  

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen 
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"  

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened 
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy 
and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.  

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.  

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw." 
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. 

Then she goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. 

Well, the blonde is angry.  She opens her purse and takes out the gun, but as she 
does so, she is overcome with grief.   She points the gun to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it."  

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next." 
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"No problem," said the Jew.  "I'll get it for you." 

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it. When the Jew 
returned with the coke, other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."   

Again, the Jew obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it.  The Jew returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight. As the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 

"How long must this go on?" he asked.  "This enmity between our peoples....this 
hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how 
them politicians lie." 
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The housekeeper set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store 
in Washington. After several hours of looking, she came across an exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously been owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of 
ill-repute. The housekeeper said that no one would ever know and took the bird back
to the White House. 

The morning after the Clintons returned to the White House, Chelsea walked through
the room and the bird said, "Too young." 

A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old and 
ugly." 

That afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "Hi Bill !" 

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The tourist responds, "No".  

The guy says, "Well, finish your beer and meet me on top of that building in a half hour."  

Thirty minutes later they both meet on top of the building. The guy says to the tourist, "Watch this!", and he jumps off the building and floats back onto the ledge. The tourist says, "Do it again!!". So the guy jumps off and floats back onto the ledge.  

The tourist says, "If you do it one more time I'll do it." So the guy jumps off for a third time and floats back onto the ledge.  

The tourist then jumps off the building and hits the pavement. Two guys walk by the 
building, look up and say, "Damn Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk."