Drinking Jokes

Guy walks into a bar and orders a double scotch. Gulps it down in one drink and peeks into his shirt pocket. Orders another double scotch. Tosses it back and peeks into his shirt pocket. This process is repeated numerous times and finally after about ten the bartender asks the guy... 

"Buddy..Can I ask you a question?" Guy looks at him through bleary eyes and says sure. 

Bartender says... "What's the deal? You've knocked back about a half a bottle of scotch and after every drink you look in your shirt pocket and order another. What's in the pocket?" 

Guy says "Picture of my wife... and just as soon as she starts looking good... I'm heading home." 

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? 
         --W.C. Fields 
 
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder. 
 
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. 
         --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill 

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. 
         --His reply 
 
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches. 
         --David Daye 
 
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 
         --Oscar Wilde 
 
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. 
         --Henny Youngman 
 
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. 
 
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. 
         --Tom Waits 
 
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? 
 
Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 
 
You don't like jail? 
Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. 
         --Charles Bukowski 
 
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. 
         --Deep Thought, Jack Handey 
 
 
Life is too short to drink cheap beer. 
 
Beer: Nature's laxative. 
 
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking   Barry Manilow. 
         --Dave Barry 
 
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 
         --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry 
 
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. 
         --Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry 
 
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. 
         --Dave Barry 
 
My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. 
         --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg 
 
Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer. 
 
Draft beer, not people! 
 
A drink a day keeps the shrink away. 
         --Edward Abbey 
 
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. 
         --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI 
 
Put it back in the horse! 
         --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.

10. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile. 

9. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 

8. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car. 

7. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast 
shakes made with Jim Beam. 

6. Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the 
shape of a bottle. 

5. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's 
VomitMan!" 

4. The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take 
you to find your pants. 

3. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal 
cavity into a pan of frying onions. 

2. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned 
the goat. 

1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a 
slogan and not a personal challenge. 
 

     There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. 

    At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on. 

    Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke! 

    "Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask. 

    "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I." 

   A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.  The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. 

   "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?" 

   "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms." 

   "I just can't find the cause for your illness," said the internist at the college clinic.  "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." 
    "That's OK Doc.  I understand." replied the student. "I'll come back  when you're sober." 

A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson.  She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed. 

"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly.  "I married your sister." 
 

A drunk is standing, whizzing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop  comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!" 

The drunk  shoves his penis into his pants and does up his zip.  As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing. 

 "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop. 

"Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop." 
 

 Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 
 
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've somethin' to tell ya." 
 
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?" 
 
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.  There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." 
 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..." 
 
"I must, Brenda.  Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry." 
 
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the  rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes.  Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" 
 
"It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." 
 
"Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at  least go quickly?" 
 
"Well, no Brenda......no." 
 
"No?" 
 
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."