Doctor Jokes

* A specialist is a doctor with a small practice and a very large house.   

* A man goes with his wife to the doctor's office.  Shortly after she  goes into the examination room, the doctor comes out and sez to the husband, "I don't like the way your wife looks at all."   

    The husband sez, "Well doc, neither do I to be honest, but she's a great lil' homemaker and real good with the kids."   

* Actually, I only had one real main concern while I was in the hospital.  I wanted to somehow be sure that my doctors didn't attend the same damn school as the cooks.   

* Tell ya what though, the doctors are all sure getting younger.  Last week  I saw a surgeon with his operating gloves pinned onto his scrubs.   

* And those anesthesiologists -- I don't know about them at all!  I mean, they all say the same thing over and over -- "Breath in, breathe out".   Now I ask ya, how in the hell else are ya supposed to breathe ?   

* Don't ya just hate it when you go to the doctor's and you're sitting on  the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new  one you describe, he backs a little further away ?   

* These days the first entry in your medical history is if you pay your bills on time.   

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:   

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.  The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. 

- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".   

- The most nonemergency ER visit:  A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.   

- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.  After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.  The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it.   

"Didn't make it?  Where could they be?  She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"   

- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him.  The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.  Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.  The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"    

*   A patient underwent intense therapy to rid him of the delusion that a huge fortune awaited him.  He was expecting two letters:  one would give him sole title to a huge Spanish treasure lost by   Francisco Orellena in the Amazon River; the other, of course,  from Publisher's Clearing House awarding him 11.7 million dollars.   

    Just when the psychiatrist was making real progress in curing  the man, both letters arrived.   

* Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense !  No  way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US  perhaps -- but certainly not everyone in the world.