Women Bashing Jokes  (Now wait a minute.... it's all in FUN, Ladies!)

* You can be suspicious of your new love if she has a sign over her  bed -- "Ask about Our Group Rates".

* In Baltimore, there's a 50-year-old Lady of the Nite who's listed  in the Yellow Pages.  In fact, she's the oldest trick in the book.

* I have a question.  When you or I get sick, the doctor tells us to spend 3-4 days in bed.  What exactly does he tell a prostitute ?

* I know a guy who was such a loser, he even dated a prostitute. After he plied her with food and drink he suggested they retire to his apartment.  She replied, "Not on the first date."

* In the mountains where poverty and unemployment were a way of life, a girl goes to the big city where she becomes a street walker. The Father is beside himself.  The Mother attempts to console him by saying, "Well Pa, she's the first kin to hold down a steady job."

*   A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to amass such splendor.  She replies that those really were her Father's, that he was a politician for forty years.

He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life ?"

She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess.  Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold."

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it`s startin` to twitch."

The new hooker just finished her first trick.  When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".
 

"Well , what did he want to do?"  They all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well how much do you have"?

The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand"

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?"

I loaned him $75!" she said.

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads (Women)

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

A blonde is horseback riding when she suddenly slips halfway out of the
saddle. She would have fallen completely off, but her foot is caught in the stirrup.  So she's hanging off with her head repeatedly thumping on the ground. 

"Help! Help!" she keeps crying out, as her head thump-thumps along.  She is about to lose consciousness and thinks "What a terrible way to die", when finally...

   ...the Walmart manager unplugs the ride.

A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active.  She said that she wasn't.  A later examination showed that she was pregnant. 

Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there".

One Day Shopping at Wal-Mart, a woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and
reel.  She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.  There  is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse  me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." 

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman
farts.  At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.  He rings up he sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So where are y'all from?"

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied,  "I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition."

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where are y'all from, bitch ??

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? 
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two  weeks whining. 

The girl says, "Mom, do you think I'm old enough to start douching?" 
Her mother says, "Why don't you ask all the sea gulls that are following you?"
 

Why shouldn't you buy a woman a watch? 
Because there's a clock on the stove. 

What does a woman do after she leaves the battered women's shelter? 
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her. 

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? 
Nothing. You already told her twice.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the 
salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he 
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". 

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!" 

17. "I finished the Oreos." 

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!" 

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl." 

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 

7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 

5. "Got milk ?" 

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." 

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant... 

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........." 

How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. 

Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. 

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? 
When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..." 

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it. 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. 

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
A woman that won't do what she's told. 

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. 

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? 
Divorced. 

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake. 

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: 
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering