Politically Incorrect Jokes

Two gay men were insistent on having a baby.  After their doctor reminded
them there was no biological way they could have a child,  he recommended
artificial insemination. 

The two agreed but said sperm from BOTH of them had to be used.  The
doctor agreed and mixed the two sperm together and completed the process.

Nine months later, a baby was born.  The two proud parents were looking
in the baby nursery at several babies.  All but one child was screaming to the
top of their lungs.  They asked the nurse which baby was theirs and she pointed tothe quiet, well behaved little daring. 

"You see Darryl, I told you that was our son!"  "Oh yes, Blain, he is just
going to be the best baby ever!" 

The nurse interrupted by saying, "You should hear your child scream and
holler when you take the pacifier out of his butt!" 

Q.  How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
A.  By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Q.  What do you get when you cross Rogaine and Viagra?
A.  Don King's hair.

   Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
      The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

    What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common?
      Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

   Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or
   more?
    Sign says:"17 and under not admitted."

   What do you get when you have 32 Arkansas lawyers in the same room?
      A full set of teeth.

    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
      Everyone has the same DNA.

    Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down?
      Almost took out the whole trailer park.

    A new law was recently passed in Arkansas:
    when a  couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.

   Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a street toward each
   other and one is carrying a sack.  When they meet, one says, "Hey
   Tommy   Ray,  what'cha got in th' bag?" 
   "Jus' some chickens."
   "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
   "I'll give you both of them."
   "OK. Ummmmm......,  five?"

    The Arkansan and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?"she asked. 
"No,"  he replied. 
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"   "No," he said again,   "I wanna stay here in the front seat  with you."

   An Arkansan hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln
Continental.  The Arkansan noticed a bunch of golf tees on the  front seat and
asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls  when I  drive." "Boy," exclaimed the Arkansan,  "these Lincoln Continentals   have everything, don't they?

 A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertain in an Arkansas bar.  He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes,  when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly,"I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes--weain't all stupid here in Arkansas!"  Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister--I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowestbuffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowestand weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This  natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,  because the general speed and health of the whole group  keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operateas fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake ofalcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally itattacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Inthis way, regular consumption of beer eliminates theweaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and moreefficient machine.So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Here's a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:

        Tommy Lee's...............Camp Kickachick
        Monica Lewinsky's.......Camp Suckaweewee
        President Clinton's.......Camp Getahoochie
        Ellen DeGeneres's.......Camp Lickacoochie
        Kenneth Star's.............Camp Catchacrook
        O.J. Simpson's............Camp Killachick
        Lorena Bobbit's............Camp Cutaweewee
        Tonya Harding's............Camp Clubaknee
        Susan Smith's..............Camp Blameabrotha
        Pamela Lee's...............Camp Lottatatas
        Michael Jackson's........Camp Wannabewhitey
        Louis Farakahn's..........Camp Killawhitey

Things you don't want to do in the nude.

10. Fry bacon
 9. Arc weld
 8. Bathe a cat
 7. Operate a snow blower
 6. Clear a patch of poison ivy
 5. Insulate the attic with fiberglass
 4. Operate a lathe
 3. Present a children's television show
 2. Take Mass with the Pope

And the Number 1 thing not to do in the nude:
 1. Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a  lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his  cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he  said to  himself.  He proceeded to get out his hammer and
 flattened the  hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she  said,  handing  him his pack of cigarettes.  "I found them in the hallway." 

"Now," she  said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

Callus Collection

Florence Franklin of Peoria, IL, holds the record.As of Sept 12, 1992,
Florence had over 200 pounds of callus (sheets of hardened skin) in her
collection."I shave it off people," Florence told us. "They don't mind. Some people even autograph the big pieces." 

Infestation of Mites (Group)

This record belongs to the 3,859 residents of Kildare, Montana. In 1989,
visiting doctors certified that every person in the town was suffering from scabies, a skin disease caused by mite infection. "The mites seemed to be jumping from one person to another," the mayor of Kildare told us, "so we decided to get together and go for the record." 

Snail-Sucking (Live)

Armand Forcalquier, of Marseille, France, holds the record. In a contest held on Feb 12, 1992, Armand sucked down 1,238 live snails in a little over 4 hours.  "It was not easy,"  Armand boasted after he learned the record was his. "They cling to their shells, but they can't get away fromme." 

Nose Stuffing (Limburger Cheese)

Hans Kleiber, of West Berlin, holds the record.In a contest held on May 1, 1986, Hans managed to stuff 13 ounces of limburger into his nostrils in less than a minute. Hans' closest competitor gagged on nine ounces and was
disqualified. 

Raw Kidney (Eating)

Alice Caldwell of Butte, Montana, holds the record. OnOct 22, 1991, Alice
gobbled up more than 14 pounds of raw veal and lamb kidneys. "Kidneys are
a good source of protein and vitamins," Alice told us. "If you cook them, you lose some of the vitamins. As you can see, I don't care about the record - I care about my health." 

Roach (Largest)

Rita Carlson, of Pasadena, CA, claims the record for having raised the world's largest roach. Her record-setting roach is over a foot long and weighs close to two pounds (1992). "Plenty of protein," Rita told us, "and plenty of good, natural vitamins helped to make this roach into a champion. You should have seen it when I first found crawling around my kitchen." 

(There are a couple more roach records.One is highest paid for a roach
named Lassie II ($112,450) and longest living (Lassie, 12 years).Both roaches came from roach afficianado Sheila Biderman. About the oldest roach, Sheila reports that "She's like one of the family.If she ever gets too old to poke around food by herself, you can bet I'll do the humanething and step on her, record or no record.")

Socks (Continuous Wear)

David Horrigan, of Glen Ridge, NJ, claimed the record in 1989. In a sworn
statement, Horrigan has worn the same pair every day for twenty years and
114 days. In 1983, shoe stores throughout New Jersey banned Andy from their premises. Since then he has purchased his shoes through the mail.

Andy plans to remove the socks and take a look at his feet in 1999. 

Tapeworm (Longest)

Sally Mae Wallace of Great Grits, Mississippi, holds the record. On Sep 5,
1991, doctors extracted 37 feet (continuous) of tapeworm from Sally.

"About after 20 feet of that thing had come out of my mouth," Sally told us, "I just knew I had the record. I was really filled with joy." 

Tongue (Hairiest)

Selma Ruby, of Dallas, Texas, holds the record. Selma's tongue is fully
covered with hair (1992)."I've been thinking about having it removed by an
electrolysist,"  Selma told us, "though lately people have been telling me
that it's beautiful." 

Underarm Hair (Length)

Florence Floss of Ban, Idaho, holds the record .On July 15, 1992, the hair
growing out of Florence's left armpit stretched to a length of 34 inches. This was more than enough for a record, but Florence hopes to have a yard of hair dangling from her armpit soon. "I shave the other armpit," Florence reported to us. 

Feet (Smell)

On Aug 21, 1991, Wanda Lake, 18, broke the record held by Dave Horrigan.
Wanda removed her shoes in the crowded lobby of a Los Angeles theatre. In
the five minutes that followed, the lobby was a chaotic mass of panic-stricken people trying desperately to escape. In the end, 42 people were sick, and 14 others had passed out.

These were from a Washington Post contest:

"You Were an Accident" 

"Strangers Have the Best Candy" 

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" 

"Some Kittens Can Fly!" 

"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" 

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" 

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" 

"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" 

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild         Animals  of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" 
"All Dogs Go to Hell" 

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" 

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" 

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" 

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" 

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" 

"Bi-Curious George" 

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" 

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" 

"You Are Different and That's Bad" 

In an attempt to negotiate peace, Bill Clinton flew to Bagdad for talks with
Sadam Hussain.

On the first day they were sitting in Sadam's conference hall when Bill
noticed three little buttons on the arm of Sadam's chair.  After a few minutes discussion Sadam pressed the first button and a large boxing glove on a spring bounced out of the table and hit Bill square on the jaw.  Sadam burst out laughing, but in the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore thisand continued.

A few more minutes passed and Sadam pressed the second button.  A Wooden baton swung out of the table leg and hit Bill in the shins.  He winced
slightly as Sadam giggled away, but again decided the peace process to be
more important.

A few more minutes passed and Sadam pressed the third button.  Bill jumped
up, but a boot came out and hit him in the balls.  Sadam was sitting there
pissing himself and Bill had had enough of this, so he said "I'm going back
to Washington!" and walked out.

A few weeks later the meeting had been resheduled and this time took place
in Bill's conference hall.  Sadam was sitting there and he suddenly noticed
three buttons on the arm of Bill's chair.  After a few minutes Bill pressed the first button.  Sadam ducked, but nothing happened and Bill laughed his head off.

The talks continued and a few minutes later Bill pressed the second button.
Sadam lifted his legs up, but nothing happened and Bill sat there giggling.

After a further few minutes of talking, Bill pressed the final button. Sadam jumped out of the chair, but nothing happened and Bill absolutely pissed himself.  Sadam had had enough of this and said, "I'm going back to Bagdad!".

"What Bagdad?"  asked Bill.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.  Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
 

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his
leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A
passer-by, who had seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

 Q: How do you make an orphans hands bleed? 
 A: Tell her to clap hands until daddy comes home.

 Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? 
 A: Put a nipple on it.

 Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? 
 A: Sexual harassment. 

 Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? 
 A: $3.99 a minute.

 Q: What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? 
 A: Well-hung.

 Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? 
 A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the  whole chicken.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God? 
God doesn't think he's a lawyer. 

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is 
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

US STATE MOTTOS
1)Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
2)Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
3)Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
4)Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
5)California: Se Habla Ingles
6)Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
7)Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
8)Florida: The Gunshine State
9)Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
10)Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)
11)Idaho: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
12)Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
13)Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
14)Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
15)Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
16)Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names
17)Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
18)Maine: For Sale
19)Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
20)Massachusetts: The Sue Me State
21)Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
22)Minnesota: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
23)Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
24)Missouri: You're Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
25)Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
26)Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
27)Nevada: Whores and Poker!
28)New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
29)New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
30)New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
31)New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney
32)North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
33)North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur
Bones!
34)Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
35)Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
36)Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
37)Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
38)Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
39)South Carolina: Incest is Best
40)South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
41)Tennessee: The Educashun State
42)Texas: Don't Mess with Texas -- We're Armed
43)Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
44)Vermont: Yep
45)Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
46)Washington: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
47)Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
48)West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
49)Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
50)Wyoming: Wynot?
 

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a 
man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00,  they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.  After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.  After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the head.

There was this old Indian chief, who was in charge of naming all of the children who were born in the tribe. 

One day a young brave came to the old chief and asked "How do you name the children who are born, how do you think ofall of the different names to name them?".

The old Indian chief said "When young brave is born and hawk is flying over, that baby shall be named Hawk Flying Over. When young brave is born and snow is gently falling, that baby shall be named Snow Gently Falling".

The old Indian chief sits up, and looks the young brave in the eye and says "So tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why do you ask?"