Men Bashing  Jokes

What dominates the thoughts of men at different stages in their lives:
   
    Ages         Primary Concern

     0-3           Pooping
    4-10          Guns
  11-14          Sex
  15-20          Sex
  20-40          Sex
  40-60          Sex
  60-?            Pooping

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. 

Most 17-year old females can function as adults. 
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. 

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.  (Except me, of course)

BATHROOM:A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items. 

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. 

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, 
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. 

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." 

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready 
to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup..

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats with all their might, then giggle their heads off!!! 

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best 
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man
is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain. 

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, 
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings & funerals, period.  And only if a woman makes him do so.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." 

THE WEDDING: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". 

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Fat-Ass and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. 

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Teddy Savalas' head.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for 
directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store." 

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. 

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. 

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. 
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. 

TIME:When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.","Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. 

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. 

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos", "Got any more beer?", or "Look at that chick!!"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to
each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?" 

This young man went to the beach in search of girls, and after strolling
around for some time, he wasn't even getting a glance from any of them. He began to feel kind of discouraged, and he noticed that they were flirting with the
lifeguard.

He walked up to the lifeguard and asked him how he was able to attract so many girls. The lifeguard said that the secret was to put a potato inside of his
trunks. So the next morning the young man put a potato in his trunks and went
back to the beach. This time the girls were giving him disgusted looks and
were turning away from him.

He went back to the lifeguard and asked why it didn't work. The lifeguard said 
"Try it again tomorrow and this time, put the potato in front".

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down.  Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she   says to him,

"Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when  I can get some help?
  
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."  She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer.

She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
  
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room  and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the  world?"
  
They say, "Huh?"
  
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you  have to wear these condoms." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
  
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth.
  
Jed says, "Luke?"
  
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
  
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
  
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
  
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
  
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
  
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.  "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

Recent studies have resulted in a discovery to aid baldness in men. 

When applied regularily to the affected area,  the common over-the-counter product Preparation H, produced promising results. It doesn't restore nor grow new hair, instead it shrinks a big head to better accomodiate what hair already exists.
 

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I'm going fishing."

Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.  He said to the woman, "Is 
there anything on you that you'd like to change?"

She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? 
It changes their blood type. 
 

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? 
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway. 
 
What do men and pantyhose have in common? 
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch! 
 
How does a man keep his youth? 
By giving her money, furs and diamonds. 
 
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men? Wife saying she wants to talk to him. 
 
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A 
mental hospital

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. 

"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. 

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response 
to "I love you." 

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd 
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. 

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." 

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of 
your choice. 

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your 
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. 

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. 

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be 
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" 

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in 
leap years. 

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go 
drinking. Mother's Day, too. 

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be 
celebrated every month. 

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. 

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the 
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night 
Football from a Different Camera Angle. 

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with 
would actually reduce your fine. As in: 
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" 
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." 
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.